Style Conversational Week 1460: Time for more Merriament The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week’s new-word poetry contest and winning insult-questions The chicharrones — one of the new words added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary — featured on the website of Houston's La Michocana market, along with the recipe for the lard-fried pork skin. (“You can remove excess fat from the skin to get low-calorie Mexican chicharrones,” it advises.) (lamichoacanameatmarket.com) By Pat Myers October 28, 2021 at 5:13 p.m. EDT *“Merriament” was the headline for last year’s results; it’s by Tom Witte. I truly can’t fathom why Merriam-Webster doesn’t want to tell the world which 455 words and meanings it’s added to its online dictionary since January — only that there are 455 of them. In a news release published Oct. 27, M-W notes a measly 34 of the new terms. Fortunately, I was able to prevail upon its marketing person to send me, a few days ahead, 57 of the additions to Our Always Evolving Language, and I chose 38 to feature today in Style Invitational Week 1460, our fourth annual contest for poems based on one or more of the new additions. Some notes on this week’s contest: — I mention this on the entry form, but didn’t have room on the print page: This is NOT a contest to see how many words on the list you can manage to force into eight lines. As M-W says: “tedious, adjective: tiresome because of length or dullness: BORING.” We want readers to enjoy, you know, reading it. A poem could certainly include two or more of the words, but the important thing is that it be entertaining to read. — For the terms that have been in the dictionary before, please use the new meanings. Unfortunately, the updated definitions do not indicate when each new sense of the word was added, so if you’re not sure, just don’t use ones that are obviously not new. I did verify with Ms. M-W that for “dab,” both these definitions are new: (a) the dance where it looks as if you’re sneezing into your elbow; and (b) the cannabis-related meaning: a blob of resin that you — well, I don’t know about you specifically — burn with a little gadget to create fumes to inhale; or a verb (either transitive or in-) meaning to inhale the stuff. (It’s evidently quite dangerous, both in trying to make the waxy stuff and in its high potency.) Also, “jacked” has two new meanings as an adjective, I’m told: very excited (“jacked up” might be the older expression?) and very muscular, built up. — You may use any form of verse that doesn’t run over eight lines. With very few exceptions, I have found poems that rhyme and have a clear, consistent meter funnier and more clever than those that don’t. We’re a humor contest, not a poetry anthology. — Don’t make up a meaning, rather than the real one, unless the poem also acknowledges the real meaning. So while you might say that “petaflop” reminds you of a basset hound, you can’t ignore the fact that it’s actually an extremely high unit of computing speed. — Use the pronunciation offered. M-W helpfully provides a button you can click on to hear the word pronounced. You’ll hear, for example, the “chicharrones,” the plural of the Spanish-diaspora delicacy pictured above, is a four-syllable word ending in an “-ess” sound. (The reader on the recording is thoroughly American, perhaps to stress that the word is now also an English word, not just a Spanish one.) If more than one pronunciation is offered, you can choose. But I can’t run a poem in which the word is mispronounced. — You may include a title beyond the eight-line maximum. But I’ll otherwise precede each poem with the word plus a terse definition, as in the examples below. — You’ll see the results a day early! Four weeks from today (Oct. 28) is Thanksgiving Day, and so I’ll have to finish the print Invite the day before, and so I might as well put it up online that morning. So figure on seeing it online on Wednesday, Nov. 24, at the usual 10 to 11 a.m. (I’ll decide later whether there will be a Style Conversational that day as well or if I’ll just call it a holiday after posting the Invite. It’s also my birthday, so there’s that.) Classic new-worders: For your guidance, inspiration and plain ol’ entertainment, here’s a sampling of ink from our three previous M-W new-word contests, along with links to the full results. (The publishing system I use for the Conversational doesn’t have a way to override the line of extra space generated by a line ending in online articles, which is why they’re all spaced out. Don’t gripe to me.) Week 1296, 2018 TL; DR, “too long; didn’t read” The editor sent back my poem. I found his rejection bizarre. “Thanks for the haiku,” it said, “But sorry. TL; DR.” (Robert Schechter) A good example of a poem using several words on the list: Marg, margarita; mocktail, nonalcoholic mixed drink; flight, a sampler of small drinks: A marg that’s made with mango? A teeny li’l umbrella? Well out here in Durango, it ain’t fit fer a fella. We menfolk here drink whiskey, or Coors (and not Coors Light)! But mocktails? Son, that’s risky! (So’s orderin’ a “flight”!) We cotton to bravado. It’s just our Western creed, So git from Colorado — unless you got some weed. (Mark Raffman) Week 1350, 2018 I didn’t precede the first two poems with definition of the words; it seemed unnecessary and, in the case of the second one (which took first place) damaging to the surprise ending. They called up Ukraine’s president; A skeezy deal was floated. The transcript tells us how it went, ’Cause Trump was quid pro quoted. (Duncan Stevens) --- This escape room’s the worst, everybody agrees; We feel trapped, with a lingering sense of unease That we’ll never get out of here, try as we may — We get sullen or spiteful, our nerves start to fray Till at last we’re released, overjoyed to survive … And we come every weekday, 8:30 to 5. (Brendan Beary) Free solo (mountain climbing without safety equipment) I was certain some free solo action Would deliver me peak satisfaction . But I found only dopes Don’t use harness or ropes, Which is why I now lie here in traction. (Stephen Gold, London) And scoring with just two lines … On a free solo climb, you must not be a dunce — If you make a mistake, it will just be that once. (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1413, 2020 (you’ll need to scroll down to the results; the “jump link” doesn’t seem to be working) Deepfake, an elaborately doctored photo or recording So what if this keepsake Is only a deepfake? A Photoshopped image that shows me in bed With a naked George Clooney Doesn’t mean that I’m loony — A loon would’ve put him in PJs instead. (Melissa Balmain) Iatrophobia, fear of doctors (note the use of a related form of a word): The iatrophobe suffers from gastric distress But fears doctors will just do him harm, So he’s treating himself at the new CVS, Where he may well be buying the pharm. (Chris Doyle) --- Hydroxychloroquine can treat malaria or lupus. It’s not a cure for covid, though our leader tried to dupe us. The drug has many side effects like headaches and depression. It’s rather like the president — so use it with discretion. (Jonathan Jensen) I usually avoid running two poetry contests — in this case, last week’s song parody contest (still running!) and this one — but I wanted to run the M-W contest in conjunction with its announcement of the new additions, and I didn’t hear about it until this past weekend. Question mocks*: The trash-talking of Week 1456 *This headline was suggested by multiple people for this week’s results, but it got ink for Kevin Dopart in Week 999 for the Ask Backwards honorable-mentions subhead If you didn’t get ink in the results of Week 1456, you might console yourself that maybe you’re just not a vicious, mean-spirited person, or at least that you don’t delight in being one. We need people like you for balance! But also maybe you shouldn’t mouth off to someone and expect people to go “Oooh, burn.” Just be your nice sweet self, okay? (Okay, whoever who sent in “Is that your face or an argument for abortion?” You do NOT have a nice sweet self.) If you did get ink, your entry outsnarked almost 1,200 others with its cleverness and originality or maybe it was just a funny exaggeration that got a laugh from an Empress who was starting to wonder if maybe the humor she asked for was just too mean during These Times. Nah. It’s the TWENTY-SIXTH Invite win, and the second Clowning Achievement winner, for Hall of Famer Mark Raffman, whom I have met many times and can vouch for his utter non-nastiness, even though he will soon be chasing his last few ambulances before retiring as a corporate lawyer. In my 100 Clowners for 100 Losers program, instead of a second trophy, he gets a little pennant with “II” on it, to attach to the base of the trophy he won in Week 1413 (which happened to be: new-word poems). I’ve now given out 36 of the 100 Clowners since last Dec. 6, so 64 more of you will one day be awarded the Disembodied Clown Head on a Stick. It’s another Hall of Famer, Gary Crockett, who offered my favorite take (among many entries) on “Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” (not in itself an insult, just a risque remark; the example I used for the contest, “Is that your nose, or are you just happy to smell me” was). Greg Dobbins wins his choice of Loser Mug or Grossery Bag with “Is that your cooking I smell, or have we reached High Heaven?” — the rare entry that made the reader think a moment for the rest of the expression, turning something that might have momentarily sounded like a compliment into … something that wasn’t. It’s the fourth ink “above the fold” for Greg, and his 35th in all. And Jesse Rifkin gets Ink No. 59 and fifth Loser’s Circle ink, for my favorite of a dozen “Is that your car …” entries: “Is that your car, or is Fred Flintstone walking to work now?” What Doug Dug: Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood once again agreed with my choices for the winners — seriously, I specifically said, “If you think I picked the wrong winners, let me know” and he responded, “I think you’re good — and singled out a bunch more from the “honorable” mentions: Is that your husband, or did the English fatberg finally calve? (Stephen Dudzik) Did your CEO just say something, or was that a paradigm-shifting game-changer that delivers impacting synergy for disrupters who move the needle and think outside the box? (Duncan Stevens) Were you planning to clean up in here, or are you playing an elaborate game of Jenga with your dirty dishes? (Coleman Glenn) Have you had Botox injections, or did you just not get my joke? (Nancy Della Rovere) Is that a picture of Your Mama, or do you donate to Adopt a Manatee? (Jeff Shirley) Bonus: Annabeth’s Best Bets: Giving the second read (or slotting) on the copy desk this morning (“slotting Invite always brings a smile to my face after a long week!”) was Annabeth Carlson, who also was partial to Nancy’s Botox joke, which I was glad to hear because I wasn’t sure that it was clear enough) and also liked Hannah Seidel’s “Is that your beard, or was this your first time eating ramen?” — which bested seven other beard jokes. --- Taste aside, there’s one important rule for snide jokes: They can’t be built on an inaccurate premise. You might, for example, joke that okra tastes like snot, because taste is subjective, and okra definitely has a slimy texture unless it’s cooked to prevent that (split it lengthwise, brush a little oil and seasoning on it, and roast at 450 degrees on a baking sheet). But you can’t make a joke based on the premise that Indian food is all made with the same few spices, because it’s just not true. The joke fails. Similar case in point for Week 1456: “Did you do your own hair, or do you support the Cosmetology School for the Blind?” Premise: Of course blind people can’t style hair. Response we would have gotten within 24 hours: See this video. No joke — we’re going for Indian food! Loser Brunch at Aditi, Nov. 14 The longtime monthly rotation of Sunday Loser Brunches at various restaurants around the D.C. area resumes at Aditi, a really good Indian restaurant in Kingstowne, not far from the Beltway exit to Van Dorn Street in Northern Virginia. It’s Sunday, Nov. 14, at noon. I have been there many times and definitely have it on my calendar. There’s a buffet or you can order from the menu. If you’re vaccinated, come on out! Details and RSVP on the Our Social Engorgements page on the Losers’ website at NRARS.org. Everyone is welcome — and in person, we do not snark.